Kelsey (sidhedancer) wrote,
Kelsey
sidhedancer

therapy...

I have a therapy session again tomorrow. I don't feel like it's helping. I know I've only had two sessions so far, but I just don't know. He set me this exercise where every time I think something negative about myself I'm supposed to write it down. Then I'm supposed to decide if that thought was absolutely true, inexplicit, or erroneous. To end I should make a decision on how to continue based on which category my self-evaluation falls under.
Now I won't pretend that I don't put myself down sometimes, but this exercise does not seem to be practical for me. For one thing, when I come up with untrue thoughts to put myself down I generally squash them before they have a chance to grow beyond a fringe idea. I am no closer from this exercise to knowing what I should do about dubious or certain poor qualities. Secondly most of my self-bashing fancies happen at work, where I simply haven't the opportunity to write anything down.
It just seems like he isn't telling me anything I didn't already know.
I mean, I know I never came to terms with Reece's death.
I know that I feel second fiddle to Kevin; that it effects how I interact, really with every one but specifically with my immediate family.
I know that I want so much to think well of people that I often put myself in the way to get hurt.
I know an awful lot of things about myself. I know my faults. I know my virtues. I have weighed and balanced myself more times than I can count. But thinking about things isn't changing how I feel. My down days generally aren't filled with me thinking bad things about myself, mostly I just cry or rage for no apparent reason. I Feel badly, I don't Think badly.
He isn't telling me how to change anything. He's not even telling me how I can begin to reprogram my way of thinking.

I had a terribly down day. But I wasn't thinking negative things about myself, I really wasn't. I just wanted to cry all day. Then when it built up to much I wanted to yell and throw things and lash out. Now I'm crying again, but I still don't know what triggered it.
I want to be happy. I want to be a smiling face having fun with my friends or even a special undiscovered someone. I want to go through life being relentlessly cheerful and driving people to distraction with my silliness.
There are just some days when my emotions pay no credence whatever to what I want.
Lately I shrink from having any interaction with other people. I just can't hold it in, and I hate myself for lashing out at people who simply don't deserve it.
I'm so horribly self absorbed and yet I feel completely insignificant.
I want to crawl in a hole and pull it closed over me.
I can't really do that, and I am glad that I can't give in to that inclination. I just don't know what to do.
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