Even the Sidhe Dream

sidhedancer @ 2008-10-24T00:25:00

2008-10-24T07:29:57Z

Repost this please, if you like, and ask others to do so also...

A "No" vote on CA Proposition 8 will annul no marriages.

A "Yes" vote on CA Proposition 8 will annul over 10,000 marriages (many with kids.)

Which vote is REALLY "protecting marriage"?

(NOTE: Each and every single vote WILL count. There is no "electoral college" for referendums.)

thank you JohnO for posting this...

as an addendum: The proposition will EFFECTIVELY annul these marriages, but does not specify the legal requirement of the action.

Lots of Suckage

2008-10-22T07:09:32Z

So the time has unfortunately come...
From here forward my journal is going to be friends only.
There is someone who continues to trespass on my life and my family's life. Our lawyer advised us not to have any contact with this person, so I'm doing what I can to make that happen. It makes me sad to have to close this off, but since they still won't just leave us alone and go away this is the only way I know to keep them from having that ability to intrude on my life.
If you read me and would like to continue to do so, leave me a comment including your name and how I know you, so that I know it's really you.

what it takes to have me...

2007-04-18T09:11:50Z

The Prestige

somehow I missed this movie until now...
I only wish I had discovered it sooner, that I might have seen as many times over as may have been

I am buying the book, and soon
hopefully I may pull a monologue from the novel

and it reminds me
the way Lisa Dillon did, and Wicked
it reminds me why
why I am who I am, why anything else would simply not be enough
that is what can be, that is what must be given,
the whole of me, nothing left to spare and consequently everything

how could I think that I could be happy in any other way
it calls to me
it always has, it always will
without it I would be incomplete
an it comes to that, not even I would want me

it owns me

because without it I cannot own myself...

sidhedancer @ 2007-04-12T00:03:00

2007-04-12T07:07:25Z

so today, ended much better than yesterday. the beginning, the middle, crappy. the end, pretty nice.
the world will be brighter, cause I say so, cause I know so
yah

therapy...

2007-04-11T05:07:07Z

I have a therapy session again tomorrow. I don't feel like it's helping. I know I've only had two sessions so far, but I just don't know. He set me this exercise where every time I think something negative about myself I'm supposed to write it down. Then I'm supposed to decide if that thought was absolutely true, inexplicit, or erroneous. To end I should make a decision on how to continue based on which category my self-evaluation falls under.
Now I won't pretend that I don't put myself down sometimes, but this exercise does not seem to be practical for me. For one thing, when I come up with untrue thoughts to put myself down I generally squash them before they have a chance to grow beyond a fringe idea. I am no closer from this exercise to knowing what I should do about dubious or certain poor qualities. Secondly most of my self-bashing fancies happen at work, where I simply haven't the opportunity to write anything down.
It just seems like he isn't telling me anything I didn't already know.
I mean, I know I never came to terms with Reece's death.
I know that I feel second fiddle to Kevin; that it effects how I interact, really with every one but specifically with my immediate family.
I know that I want so much to think well of people that I often put myself in the way to get hurt.
I know an awful lot of things about myself. I know my faults. I know my virtues. I have weighed and balanced myself more times than I can count. But thinking about things isn't changing how I feel. My down days generally aren't filled with me thinking bad things about myself, mostly I just cry or rage for no apparent reason. I Feel badly, I don't Think badly.
He isn't telling me how to change anything. He's not even telling me how I can begin to reprogram my way of thinking.

I had a terribly down day. But I wasn't thinking negative things about myself, I really wasn't. I just wanted to cry all day. Then when it built up to much I wanted to yell and throw things and lash out. Now I'm crying again, but I still don't know what triggered it.
I want to be happy. I want to be a smiling face having fun with my friends or even a special undiscovered someone. I want to go through life being relentlessly cheerful and driving people to distraction with my silliness.
There are just some days when my emotions pay no credence whatever to what I want.
Lately I shrink from having any interaction with other people. I just can't hold it in, and I hate myself for lashing out at people who simply don't deserve it.
I'm so horribly self absorbed and yet I feel completely insignificant.
I want to crawl in a hole and pull it closed over me.
I can't really do that, and I am glad that I can't give in to that inclination. I just don't know what to do.

sidhedancer @ 2007-04-03T23:32:00

2007-04-04T06:51:09Z

wow... this is me posting A LOT
I'm not so sure what's going on
I feel like I have something to say, but I can't figure out what it is
I have this burning need to tell you something, only, I don't know what it is that I am trying to communicate
I feel lonely and sad
but I don't seek out company, I don't even call anyone
honestly, I've even been avoiding calls
and I'm not wallowing, really I'm not
I feel like I'm just retreating
falling into myself more often than into the world

I'm more irritable than I like. It seems like just about anything sets me off.
I'm desperate for something, but I don't know what

I don't know what I want. I need to figure out what I want. But where do you even begin? Before I always just knew. I could reason out why I wanted something and give you the math on what made one thing more important than another, but that was all retroactive. I knew what I wanted and then analyzed. How do you go about it in the other direction?

How do you discover or decide what you want? Where do I even begin?

sidhedancer @ 2007-04-03T23:18:00

2007-04-04T06:18:08Z

I never watched wonder years growing up, but I happened to catch an episode tonight. The closing lines actually really hit me "young boys, full of confusion... full of fear... full of love and courage... Grow up stealthily in their sleep."
everyone does...
it makes one feel both proud and sad
we get to watch them, day by day
and then finally there comes the day when you realize that it's out of your control
they decide who they are and who they will be, they shape their own lives and futures
it is heartbreaking and exhilarating

sidhedancer @ 2007-04-03T17:46:00

2007-04-04T00:47:46Z

grr
so easy to get distracted
also my computer won't do what I want
it shouldn't be difficult,but evidently it is
grr

Hailey!

2007-04-03T19:40:23Z

I have a brand new niece! Hailey was born at 4:23 am today. She measured at 19 inches, 7 pounds and 11 ounces. She and Alexi are healthy and tired. Hailey was born at home with her daddy, her mommy's mommy and the midwife helping her mommy.
Now the very happy family is getting to know each other with some Private quality time.
If you know the family, I'm sure they would love to hear your congratulations IN A FEW DAYS.
Hopefully they will be ready for visitors by this weekend, so I can go hug my sister and meet my niece.

My dearest sisters, are both happy healthy mommies.
I have Three beautiful healthy nieces.
I am so incredibly blessed.

musings

2007-04-03T06:47:01Z

random musings of my brain.
don't worry it isn't supposed to make sense to you
future reference for me

you create a sound.
a perfect sound.
some kind of trigger with the sound- gesture, device...etc?.
IT comes into being like liquid glass, dream clouds, bubble breaking backwards, peel away a face then reverse the footage.
It- unknown, undefined, complex, simple, beautiful,awful, destructive, decorative, living, sentient, illusion.
The perfect sound- intricate work, natural talent,unconscious ability, deep study, planning, engineering, magic, artistic and technical skill
THe forming- should feel like ab resonate full bell chiming

{just finished stardance trilogy, think mirror mask, car commercial with the forming car, think amelie, it's "that" call from ginger to brittany,the moon thru vague clouds not hidden not shrouded but almost like looking through chiffon wanting to dance - want to call danse or celt boy}

sidhedancer @ 2007-04-01T23:58:00

2007-04-02T07:10:03Z

Lately I've been daydreaming about a friend I had as a young girl.
Imagining what he might be like all grown up. What he might look like, his personality, his tastes, constantly changing in my mind.
It's nice to be able to think of someone positively in that light. To make someone up in my head without losing the taste of truth. He could be anyone. He might have turned out in any way. In my head he is wonderful and imperfect. Kaleidoscope images of who he has become revolve around my head always resting in a happy conclusion. It is extremely likely that we will never meet again, so I don't feel bad messing with what I don't know. It's nice though. My daydreams feel close and comfortable, without losing their improbability and allure.
it's nice.

sidhedancer @ 2007-04-01T22:53:00

2007-04-02T05:56:39Z

I got to see my Jonny today. I had missed him so terribly. It's nice when the people you love come home. He hadn't gone anywhere, but he is so terrible at budgeting time. It's been horrendously long since I've seen him.
It's good to be home.

sidhedancer @ 2007-04-01T00:35:00

2007-04-01T07:44:21Z

I cut my hair
well actually Venna cut my hair, at my request
I REALLY like it!

hehe look in the comments for pictures -thanx kit

an hour promised

2007-03-31T11:43:32Z

an hour of not hurting
an hour of only good
an hour of only happiness
an hour with out regret
an hour full of hope
an hour full of joy

I promised an hour tomorrow and then a call
and if, and every time I slip, I will start over
and each time I truly start again, the time will get longer
until I no longer hurt or regret or pine or wish
it will be joy and happiness and hope
and memory that makes me smile not cry

time to move on

thank you nic

oooh the pretties

2007-03-30T07:44:50Z

pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty! pretty!

http://www.gutenberg.org/catalog/

thank you to the random bookstore friend Kyle

sidhedancer @ 2007-03-22T22:05:00

2007-03-23T05:23:39Z

I scream to the heavens is it never all right
can we never just dance and play
does every thing have to be earned in this life
can't happiness just come our way
and the heavens respond in their own special way
no is the answer they give

and i know why, i do

love is a pleasure not every one knows
though we all yearn for love in our lives
some people squander the chances they have
some make them up just to try
some love so hard it devours them whole
some run away before the chance can grow old
yet everyone wants their heart in that hold
whether briefly or all of their life

yet the truth universal is that love cannot be forced
pretending cannot make it real
wishing can not make it appear
running does not stop the hurt

and despite all the love you may hold in your heart
still your fate is not ensured
a million plus things could tear you apart
joy is not guaranteed in this world

satisfaction in knowing we've done all we could
is a comfort we can give ourselves
working each day on something upright and good
brings on happiness in it's own way

(i don't think it's finished yet, but i needed to get it down)

Therapy yay

2007-03-21T23:59:20Z

Had my first therapy appointment today, it went pretty good.
Most of what he wants to do, I do already to an extent. He just wants me to make a concerted and organized effort of it.
So from here till further notice I have therapy every Tuesday at nine am. Yays!

sidhedancer @ 2007-03-20T18:44:00

2007-03-21T01:49:42Z

for all my gamer friends... <http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0001.html>
from my danse friend dwain

sing as if all the world can hear you

2007-03-18T03:53:42Z

St Paddy's day
green is worn, so as not to get pinched, also to remind me "this is who you are"
dancing will be had in some measure
singing will be had at some volume and duration
drinking will be fun with toasts meaningful and heartfelt

today I remember that the irish were themselves ages before Patrick and have never lost their heart
whatever I may feel about the man as he is portrayed or as research implies, this day named for him is ours
A day to remember who we are and how strong our spirit is

perhaps he did drive the snakes out of Ireland, but we'll be back
Ireland is in us and no one can take that away, be we snake or no

a special toast tonight with some heart family joined in tradition, interesting is an ambiguous term

i smell good!

2007-03-17T05:54:59Z

So, I went back to work today.

I had a GREAT vacation! I didn't realize how much I missed rennies. The festival was loads of fun. I will be dancing with macabre whenever possible from now forward.
I got to spend lots of time with my Alexi, always a happy thing.

I did spend Way too much money, but it made me happy. I had a really good week. I spent time with good people. Bought things that I will truly enjoy, without feeling mountains of guilt. Barely kept myself from spending $450 on knife that should be mine, that IS mine only the knife hasn't found it's way into my poccession yet.

My toe however, is in absurd amounts of pain. I will most likely have to go to highland hospital emergency room in the next few weeks and spend an extrorbident amount of time in the waiting room until they probably do minor surgery to remove the evil EVIL planters warts.
yah, otherwise things are good

life looks brighter

I'm feeling a lift

sometimes I slip, but there is some lift

sidhedancer @ 2007-03-08T21:25:00

2007-03-09T05:33:53Z

my brother and I had a gigantor screaming match tonight
yay

I'm going to a coworker's tonight to play beer-pong, don't ask I'm not quite sure yet
leave tomorrow to dance with macabre at the calaveras celtic festival and visit alexi

have decided I will not speak to my brother until I get back and unless he is being polite to me until further notice,
I'm NOT dealing with this bullshit between us until he decides he's willing to meet me half way
and I realise I have a scewed perspective, but after way to much brutal anylization I really think this is mostly him picking fights and thinking me as low as he can convince himself of

grr
done now

As of this moment I am on vacation!

sidhedancer @ 2007-03-05T17:57:00

2007-03-06T01:58:33Z

yays
therapy appointment for wed the 25th
yays

in other news
I need shoes

sidhedancer @ 2007-03-01T21:20:00

2007-03-02T05:26:10Z

I'm going out of my skull!

I have to be up at about six am
i SO don't care

I have got to find a way to stop feeling like this

I have no control of my thoughts or my emotions

seriously considering some really stupid options

sidhedancer @ 2007-03-01T20:37:00

2007-03-02T04:51:39Z

29,376 down, 25,98,624 to go
18.2% of my life at that point, gone
can't be reclaimed
18.4% to date
unresented

wow eighteen a represented number

if I could fix it now
0.3% gone

I like the point three better

I want to fix it
I desperately want to fix it
it isn't up to me

how do I learn to be okay with not being able to fix it?

sidhedancer @ 2007-02-27T23:07:00

2007-02-28T07:34:09Z

this started as a reply... it grew...
"I think I would be very good at being a politicians wife or a member of a royal family, I think the job would suit me." -me
"to refer to being someone's wife as a job is a very odd thing for you to say, Kelsey." -unavoidablefate

it is a job
it isn't just a job, but there is a lot of work involved and depending on who you marry there can be very specific tasks and obligations
i think i would be very good at the duties that the job would require, i think i would enjoy them
this isn't to say that i would marry someone strictly based on my profesional inclinations, but a marriage does not survive on love alone
love is not enough

love makes the hard times worth it and the good times bliss
but love alone is no reason to marry
you should want the responsibilities that the arrangement comes with
you are making a decision for the rest of your life
marriage vows are broken everyday, but i am not alright with the idea of being someone who breaks a vow
if you marry it should be for life
if you are going to decide to do something for the rest of your life, you should be logical about it

i have turned down a straightforward marriage proposal
i have ended relationships because i thought the other person was going to propose
it wasn't a matter of love
in the long run we would not have made each other happy
we wanted different things from life
we could not have successfully filled the job description for spouse that the other held in their mind

occasionally i will ask my friends "if someone were to walk up to you at this moment and ask you to marry them, who would you say yes to?"
i have only been able to answer with a name once

i am not saying that if a prince or politician came along and asked me to marry him i would say yes
i am saying that the job description for spouse would entice rather than repel me, should i be faced with the possibility